Super Streak

If you’ve used Snapchat you know about streaks. For those that don’t use it, the app counts the consistent messaging back and forth between two users and increases the count on a daily basis. Missing one day of messaging on one persons behalf will end the streak. I have a Snapchat streak with only one person, my daughter. The significance of hitting our streak of nearly 1300+ days may not seem like much without further explanation.

When my daughter, Jordan, now 21 years old, was a teenager and in the thick of all the emotions and turmoil that came with it, I used Snapchat messaging with her as a way to gauge her current state. The photos she sent allowed me to see on her face the feelings she wasn’t expressing. And if she wouldn’t show her face it meant a lot more.

She wasn’t oblivious to the fact I was “checking in” by way of her favorite app at the time. So when things were rocky between us she would ghost me on Snapchat as a way to prove a point. She felt like she was hurting me emotionally by doing so. It did hurt, not because we lost the streak, but rather that she was doing something she felt was hurtful to me so intentionally. Those times of frustration on her part would end our streak and we would start back again at zero when things were better.

The view from the side of a mother is so different than what the teenager’s view may be. No matter what is going on, the two perspectives most often do not find a middle ground very easily. While it’s easier as an adult to keep a level head during these moments, teenagers (especially girls) can go overboard. It can become a real issue when emotions are running hot. Trying to give advice or even a gentle word to a teenager in the midst of an emotional breakdown can feel so pointless. Stepping back and giving them space is usually enough to give them time to regroup and think things over. Meeting them where they are (on their phone) with an encouraging word when they least expect it can go a long way.

I used Snapchat and texting as methods to break the ice when things were not the best between my daughter and I. She often responded in a more open way and kept us from getting into another confrontation. When I counted back to the start of the 1200 day streak on Snapchat recently I realized that Jordan was 18 years old the last time she froze me out via the app. Up to that point we had gone through five or so years of ups and downs in our mother/daughter relationship and it was starting to look like there would be a lot more ups at that time.

By her 19th birthday she and I had a much better relationship. I am so thankful to God for getting us through that time. Our relationship was repaired the extent that her birthday wish was for us to get tattoos together. While I admit I had never wanted a tattoo and do not have an inclination to have them where they can be seen, I didn’t want to turn the offer down. I wanted her to know I was in this and that I would do anything for her.

Our tattoos are both in the same spot, on our ribs below our underarm near our heart. Each are simply scripted in each other’s handwriting “I love you”.  That simple act of asking me for my handwriting to be permanently imprinted as a part of her was so meaningful that it washed every tough time and uncomfortable memory to the side. In my heart of hearts I can say that any mom who is struggling with her relationship with her daughter can learn from my experience when I say it’s necessary to be your child’s parent first and then their friend. Not the other way around. Remember that one thing.