Whose Approval Are You Trying To Win?
The issue of striving to gain the approval of others or not is one that resonates throughout parenting. The toddler years weren’t always a walk in the park. Topping it all off with concerns about what others think of how you are raising your kids can make it seem all so messy. Now that I am a mom of two "adult" kids - 18 and 21 - I feel far from an expert, but I do think I have some learnings to share. I hope and pray that the experiences we had with our first two kids will guide us through raising our 11 year old, but we all know that every kid is different and there’s always new things to learn.
One of the biggies for me that I want every parent to understand is there is no such thing as a good kid or a bad kid. There will be times when our kids make good decisions and other times they make bad decisions but that doesn’t have to define them. I have plenty of examples where people had the impression that my kids are “good kids” when the voice inside my head would laugh and say no way. The truth is that kids are most likely to act out at home and be on their best behavior in front of others. This can cause the parent in you to wonder why they hate their family, home, you, or if it’s something else altogether, when in actuality they are most likely to act out in the space they feel safest.
Why do kids seem to act their worst in the most crowded places? Why does the opinion of others (or approval, judgement, whatever) get to us? One such day was in 2007 when our daughter was four. The no good, very bad day involved a visit to the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique, an itchy costume and a strong-willed (and tired) child. The stubborn fits of terror took us off guard that day. When kids decide to act out in public, it seems like a test of us as parents to show others how we will respond. Instead, it is most important to respond to the situation in the way that is best for the child. We survived the day with the help of a t-shirt worn under her costume (see photos).
I had a prior incident with this same darling child when she was just a toddler and I was tested to an extreme. We were at the mall with some of my family members and my daughter must have decided she was over it because she became a little terror in public and left me no choice but to leave the environment and head to the car with her. The choice to leave the mall didn’t meet her satisfaction any more than staying at the mall would have. There was just no calming her down. As I wrestled with her in my arms while she was throwing a tantrum in the way to the car, a woman who was in the mall parking lot proceeded to follow me and confront me beside my car. I was attempting to buckle a tantrum-throwing toddler into a car seat and the woman accused me of having taken the child from the mall against her will.
Wow, if I were going to grab a child from the mall it would not have been this one! She was showing her worst behavior and all I wanted was to get into a safe space with her and allow her to calm down. The woman proceeded to threaten to call the police. I know if it had been a real instance of abduction, I would have hoped someone would intervene and not let it happen. But in this case I was a parent who was struggling with their child’s out of control behavior, it would have been ideal for her show some grace and let the situation be what it was. Instead jumping to a rash judgement without any facts.
Overall, my feeling on all of it is that we can each decide how best to parent, but we should each ask ourselves if we are trying to seek the approval of human beings or of God. For me, it’s not even a question. Think what you want but my focus is on pleasing God and asking for his guidance with my parenting decisions. I pray you find the rights focus for your parenting and your family.
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