Words Have The Power To Heal

I’m getting pretty nostalgic this week since our oldest daughter, Jordan, will be turning 21 in a few days. I have spent some time reading my journals from when I was first trying to get pregnant as well as the miscarriage I had just 3 months prior to getting pregnant with Jordan. This is a sensitive topic so I wanted to be upfront from the beginning. My very first journal entry was written 23 years ago when I was first starting to think about having a baby. These excerpts from my journal show the depth of those feelings: I was 24 and Jason was 25 at the time of this first writing.

April 4, 2001 – – Jason and I have decided to try to have a baby sometime in the near future. I hope to start trying in July. I am nervous but also very excited about the possibility of having a child of my own. I get so excited when I think of having a child! I have just recently been thinking this way. We have tried all this time to prevent having a baby and now it is no longer preventing it, but instead hoping it happens. I know we will be good parents. I know God has every day of my child’s like already written, but it is still so exciting to know that I have this new life to look forward to. We will just have to have faith that God will get us through every cycle of like that we experience. Everything happens for a reason and I am ready to see it all.

April 8, 2001 – – Suddenly I am a little frightened at the idea of getting pregnant. Now that I am off the pill, we are still going to try to wait until June or July to get pregnant. I am am realizing that I could get pregnant at any time and it scares me. I am also worried about how my body will respond. Will I have a good pregnancy? What if we can’t conceive? I love to imagine us a year from now. Even though I can’t possibly predict what it will be like. I need to remember to always take my prayer requests to the Lord and not worry anymore.

[These next two posts are pretty much a repeated experience for eight months.]

September 24, 2001 – – If all goes well then I should find out if I am pregnant this week. My period is due to begin tomorrow. I just don't want to get excited too soon. I really want this! We want to call him/her Jordan, which means "to descend from heaven". I am nervous about the results this week. Either way, I know it is in God's hands. I just continue to pray for God's guidance.

September 27, 2001 – – I started my period this morning. Jason and I pray together on the way to work everyday and I cried as I asked God to help us have a baby. We are going to keep trying.

[And then I had a different reason to journal]

February 2, 2002 – – I took a pregnancy test this morning and it came back POSITIVE! Jason and I are so excited. My due date should be around Oct 5-9. I can't wait to start planning for this wonderful experience. The Lord has definitely provided as a result of our prayers. I am so excited about the future. Praise the Lord for providing this miracle!

February 11, 2002 – – The pregnancy is going well so far. I know God sent us this baby as a result of our faithfulness and need for someone to love forever. I am waiting to say anything at work until at least my next Dr. appointment. I really love this child that I have known about for only a week. I can't imagine what it will be like to hold my baby.

February 15, 2002 – – I am suffering from excessive worry about this pregnancy. I know Satan is attaching me personally but I am so scared about losing this baby. I really want everything to work out. I know the Lord let me get pregnant at this point in time for a reason and I just need to trust that everything will be okay.

February 16, 2002 – – This morning was not good. I was so emotional because of a little bit of light brownish discharge. I cried all morning and then I called the doctor's office. She called me back almost immediately and told me to call her office on Monday am to get an appointment for an ultrasound. She hopes to find the baby's heartbeat and be sure everything is ok. It feels weird to have these hormones controlling my thoughts. I fear the worst and the depression is unbearable. I have complete faith in God that everything will be ok but my thoughts are overruling everything else and making me crazy. Jason is being so good to me. I love that he wants this baby too.

February 18, 2002 – – Bad news. I am in the process of miscarrying this baby. This is the most painful experience I have ever been through. I know that God has allowed this to happen for a reason, but I can't see it right now. I went to see my doctor today and she tried to locate the heartbeat on the ultrasound machine. After much looking, she referred me to the Erlanger office for an internal probe ultrasound. They were unable to find a heartbeat and she was fairly certain that I would miscarry. I will be going back to the lab for follow up testing on Wed to be sure that there is no chance that this baby will develop. I have never felt so much pain as what I feel right now. I know that this pregnancy was just not meant to be, but it hurts so bad.

March 10, 2002 – – Things are going well now that I am feeling normal again. I really hope I don't have to go through the pain of miscarriage again, but I am willing to take the chance in order to have a baby. I want a baby so bad it aches sometimes. The doctor said my blood levels were back to normal and I should be ok to start trying again after 2 periods. She did say that I need to tell her as soon as I get pregnant again so they can test me levels, etc. Also, at 7 weeks (which is when I miscarried), she wants to do an ultrasound to confirm that they baby is healthy. I am scared to go through it all over again, but now I know what to expect and hopefully things will go better next time. I'll just wait for now because only time will tell.

May 24, 2002 – – I took a home pregnancy test on Wed, 5/22 and it was positive! It is now Friday and I have already been to the doctor's office twice. They are testing my hormone levels to try to make sure this pregnancy lasts. I am very happy but also nervous since it was so recent that I miscarried. We got pregnant the 1st month we tried after the waiting period was over. I really feel like this is a blessing from God. I just don't feel the symptoms as strong as I felt them before. It's hard to explain, but we are just going to pray and leave it in God's control.

Thankfully, this time the pregnancy was healthy and Jordan was going to be joining our family in January of 2003. I wouldn’t trade the last 21 years as her mom for anything. There were some pretty amazing moments and some pretty daunting and disappointing ones. We grew and learned as parents alongside her. She’s been one of the greatest and most challenging gifts of our lives. Being a family and seeing her become the amazing young woman she is today has made it all the most remarkable journey.